What not to say to someone with OCD 05/10/2012
What not to say to someone with OCD People say the darnedest things. And sometimes they say the most insensitive things. Whilst it’s great that obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) has received enough media attention that it’s no longer a dirty secret, it is obvious that many people still fail to understand the true severity of this anxiety disorder. When people say things like “I’m so OCD about that,” what they don’t get is that were they really suffering from OCD they would be trapped in an endless cycle of intrusive thoughts and anxiety, held hostage by their own minds, and often barely able to function in their lives. So whilst it’s great that sufferers of OCD can freely say they have OCD without being confronted with questioning looks, we the listeners need to respond appropriately. And this begins with knowing what not to say. 1) “How bad can it really be?” So bad that it can take hours just to leave the house. If we even ever make it out of the house. And the only relief comes during sleep. It's an incessant nightmare that never lets you go, not even for one second. 2) “I’m also a bit OCD about things like that.” There’s a huge difference between keeping a neat and tidy home and suffering from incessant, intrusive thoughts and compulsions over which you have no control, no matter how exhausted you are. 3) “Snap out of it.” OCD is not fun. If we could snap out of it, we would! 4) “Why can’t you just think about something else?” OCD is a biological disorder of the brain. We can’t control our thoughts any more than a diabetic can control their production of insulin. 5) “It’s because you don’t have any real worries.” We feel guilty enough as it is, you don’t need to make us feel any worse. 6) “Let’s go out and get drunk.” OCD is an anxiety disorder, and alcohol use only makes anxiety worse. Interestingly, one of alcohol's many side effects is the depletion of the neurotransmitter, serotonin. Sufferers of OCD already have low serotonin, hence the success of the serotonin reuptake inhibitor drugs in treating OCD. So when someone offers you alcohol, the answer is thanks but no thanks. 7) “It’s because your parents were too controlling.” Actually for once, parents are not to blame. OCD is a neuro-biological disorder, meaning that we were born this way. So please, people, think before you speak.  2 Comments How to tell someone you have OCD, without embarrassing yourself When I was a child, before I’d ever heard of the term obsessive compulsive disorder, I didn’t know what to make of my thoughts, other than that they were embarrassing and had to be kept secret at all costs. Fortunately today, OCD is well recognized, so most people have heard of it. However, without personally experiencing the horror of OCD symptoms, it’s unlikely that others will understand the serious grip that OCD has on a person. This is only made worse if your particular set of symptoms falls in the embarrassing end of the spectrum, like the woman who avoided seeking help for twenty-four years because she was too embarrassed to reveal she thought she had semen on her hands. To add insult to embarrassment, gathering the courage to describe your OCD symptoms out loud can be a huge anti-climax. Words are insufficient and do little more than trivialize the agonizing vice-like hold that OCD thoughts and compulsions have on your brain. To quote from A Life Lived Ridiculously: I just didn’t see how I could possibly explain all this to another person such that they would get it. ‘Hi, doc, I’m here because I don’t like the lampshades in my apartment and I can’t decide where the TV should go.’ ‘I’m a doctor, not an interior designer,’ is the response I would expect. ‘Yeah, but it really bothers me.’ ‘Well, my wife won’t let me take the pool table out of the basement and that really bothers me.’ So here are some ways that you might use to broach the subject of your OCD: 1) Introduce the conversation by talking about some of the many famous people who openly have OCD. David Beckham, Miley Cyrus and Daniel Radcliffe have talked openly about their struggles with the condition. Well respected historical figures, such as Charles Darwin, Samuel Johnson and Florence Nightinglale, were also thought to have OCD. This allows you to gage whether your audience knows about OCD and also allows you to get some clues as to whether your audience is likely to be sympathetic or not. 2) Draw people’s attention to the well known TV programs that deal with OCD. - Detective Monk television series - Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. - Obsessed 3) I read an interesting article / novel about OCD. With so much information online and in bookstores, it’s easy to inform people. Some great memoirs about OCD include: - Devil in the details by Jennifer Traig - It’ll be ok: How I kept OCD from ruining my life by Shannon Shy - Memoirs of a Born Shlepper: Never Give OCD a Third Thought by Rod Fadem - Rewind, Replay Repeat: A Memoir of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jeff Bell - A Life Lived Ridiculously by Dr Annabelle R Charbit Reading a memoir allows your audience to gain a deep insight into what it’s like to live every day with OCD. 4) It happened to a friend of mine. Talk about your symptoms as though they were someone else’s, Then gage the reaction of your audience. 5) If you don’t wish to speak face to face with someone, you may always email links about OCD. 6) Explain to others that OCD is a physical illness, no less so than hypothyroidism or heart disease. Understand that OCD is a biological disorder of the brain and learn the neurological pathways (the OCD circuit). Eg the error centers of the brain are overactive due to a lack of serotonergic activity in the orbitofrontal cortex. Some great resources include: - Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Jeffery M Schwartz - Getting Control by Lee Baer - Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The hidden Epidemic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Ian Osborn 7) Join online forums and support groups, and practice talking about it with other sufferers until talking about it becomes second nature. - OCD Tribe - Neurotic Planet - OCD Action - Psych and Mental Health - Support Groups - Social Phobia World - Stuck In A Doorway You may also encounter persons with more moving ways to describe their daily torment, which you can adopt when describing yours. Will any of these tips make your audience really understand your pain? Probably not. But it will help you to inform others in a way that is easily accessible to them and hopefully not so embarrassing for you.  How to date someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder You may have a partner with obsessive compulsive disorder, or you might be considering starting a relationship, but hesitant because the object of your affections has obsessive compulsive disorder. It can certainly be challenging if a person’s symptoms threaten to interfere with all the fun you’d like to have. But then again, nobody’s perfect. We all have something that nags us. I've met many people with OCD, and without exception, they have been sweet, humble, empathic and without arrogance. OCD sufferers are also highly intelligent and extremely strong in spite of the craziness inside their heads. If that special someone in your life happens to have OCD, take heart. Many OCD sufferers manage to lead normal (or crazy and normal) lives, which includes marriage, children and career. Just because a person has OCD, does not mean that they cannot be a huge asset to your life and make an excellent partner and parent. So here are some tips on how to treat your special someone and have a wonderful life regardless of their OCD: 1) Never say, “why can’t you just snap out of it?!” The answer is no they can’t snap out of it, any more than a diabetic can snap out of being unable to produce insulin. Except in the OCD sufferer it’s serotonin (among other neurotransmitters) that is not being delivered in adequate quantities to the relevant areas of the brain. OCD is a biological disorder of the brain, and needs to be understood as such. 2) Listen to your loved one. Talking about OCD can be hard, because words often fall short of illustrating the true depth of pain and anxiety experienced by the sufferer. To quote from A Life Lived Ridiculously, As I listened to the words pour from my mouth, I could have thumped myself in the face. Not because the words evoked emotions, rather I was disappointed by the extent to which the words trivialized the mental anguish associated with these decorating dilemmas. It was like suffering from a broken leg but only having the vocabulary to describe a scraped knee. Words just didn’t do justice to the pain. How do you tell a stranger that you don’t like the shape of your lampshade and at the same time expect them to understand that you are describing a pain that inhabits you fully, inserts itself between your cells like cement and wears your skin like a coat? I just sounded like I was whining. If you give the impression that you really get it, you will have taken a huge step in making your loved one feel less isolated with their condition. 3) Inform yourself. For the reasons stated above, go online, get books and learn what it really means to be nagged by intrusive thoughts. 4) If your partner’s OCD is under control with the use of medication, therapy, or both, be supportive. Never ask them to come off their meds or stop therapy just because they “seem fine now.” Your loved one is fine and able to be in a great relationship with you because they have their OCD under control. OCD is a lifelong illness, and this means that the medications are for life. Asking someone to come off their meds would not only bring back their symptoms, but may make symptoms worse. A relapse can set a person back so far that when they return to their meds, the old dose may not be sufficient and a higher dose would be required. 5) If your partner’s OCD is not under control, if they are symptomatic and it is causing distress and disruption to their life, then urge and encourage them to get help. Remind them that it is not their fault, that they are unwell, and that they cannot get better alone. You may also offer to become partners in treatment, by attending therapy with them, helping out with exposure exercises, and reminding your loved one to take their medications. This will, at the very least, help to build a strong bond between the two of you. 6) You don’t have to exclude someone because “OCD might be hereditary.” They might be thinking the same about your hairy back. Again no one is perfect. 7) Accept your partner just the way they are. After all, you likely fell in love with this person as a whole package that included their issues with anxiety. Acceptance delivers a positive message that may allow you and your loved one to actually become closer. If your loved one is struggling with the idea of getting help, your unconditional acceptance can actually free them to start taking risks which is one of the things they’ll have to do if they want to overcome their anxiety. Change always requires being able to take risks, be vulnerable, and make mistakes. When people feel safe, they can do these things more easily. The best gift you can give is your unconditional love and support. Many OCD sufferers have their condition under control due to a mix of education, and a willingness to address and treat the problem. So long as a person is prepared to acknowledge their illness and desires to treat it, then there is no reason that they should not make a wonderful life partner. We are all far from perfect, but only those in denial are undatable. Everyone else is fair game.  Eight ways to spot a sociopath (aka con-artist) on your first date Just because someone you trust is setting you up on a blind date, don’t assume that it’s safe! Even the most well intentioned friend or family member may accidentally introduce you to someone dangerous. After all how well do our friends and family know the object of the set up? If they knew them oh so well, then chances are we’d probably know them too. This is why it is advisable to treat every date with caution, whether it is someone you picked up in a bar or someone introduced to you by your mum. The novel, A Life Lived Ridiculously, is a prime example of how a setup from a trusted source can go horribly wrong, after Maxine’s parents inadvertently set her up with a sociopath. So before you fall hopelessly in love with your mum’s best friend’s mahjong partner’s nephew, be aware of sociopaths (social predators who exploit just about everyone they meet). Because with 1 in 25 people falling under the classic definition of a sociopath, we need to be aware of them before they prey on us. HOW TO SPOT A SOCIOPATH Sociopaths have impressive social skills, thereby making them extremely hard to spot. They are charming, funny and exciting. This is why we need to be aware. If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath. 1) Charisma and charm: They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting. Their manners are impeccable; they are well groomed; they fulfill the codes of romance and courtship to a tee. They are likely to be eloquent talkers who lace their speech with impressive sounding facts and figures. They may be fun, laugh a lot, sweep their partner off their feet with their sweetness. 2) Enormous ego: They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that. 3) Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth. If you probe deeper, you’ll find that their stories never stack up. 4) Pity play: They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks. 5) Blame others: Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems. 6) Jekyll and Hyde personality: One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch. 7) Overly attentive: They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends. 8) Move fast: They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly. Some doctors call them sociopaths, others refer to them as psychopaths. Either way, the terms are used to describe individuals who have a range of personality disorders. These people are NOT certifiably mentally ill; they are biological carriers of socially and personally problematic traits. Such traits may have been manifested from childhood in acts of cruelty to animals, property or people. These characteristics can disrupt relationships, create financial and emotional crises, and, at their worst, lead the person to callously undertake acts of vandalism, theft, rape or murder. Being aware what constitutes a sociopath can help one resist their charm and the errors inherent in establishing a life with them. Sociopaths know exactly what they are doing, and most of them never kill anyone. But they are social predators who exploit just about everyone they meet. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. You can’t ‘cure’ a sociopath or help them to see the error of their ways. They don't see the world as we do, so the only thing you can do, is save yourself and walk away.  When alcohol and anxiety are a dangerous mix 12/15/2011
When alcohol and anxiety are a dangerous mix During the holidays most of us are thrown headfirst into social situations whether we like it or not. There’s the work holiday party, friend’s parties where everyone is trying to be more dynamic than the next person, and those memorable family gatherings where relatives think it’s okay to squeeze your face just because they haven’t seen you in a year. Some of it may make you nervous, and some may bore you half to death, and you’ll probably get through it all with a smile on your face and a drink in your hand. Why then do people say that anxiety sufferers should avoid alcohol lest their anxiety increase? That doesn’t seem logical, when alcohol does such a great job of instantly calming your nerves as you pucker up and ask that hot guy in sales for a big, wet kiss? Well it turns out that although alcohol, in the short term, reduces anxiety, in the long term, alcohol actually makes anxiety worse: Here’s what you can expect from alcohol… Short term effects of alcohol
So, as you toast the new year with that third (or tenth) glass of mulled wine, ask yourself, is this getting get me through another inane conversation with that woman in accounting who insists on showing me photos of her cats, or do I need this just to get through another terrifying day on earth? Happy, healthy holidays, and safe drinking to everyone….  Don’t mention your novel, because someone might get offended What happens when the anti spam police go too far? In a fashion not unlike the effect of the PC police, we end up unable to say anything without offending someone. This article highlights the frustrations of authors struggling to be heard on the internet, yet having to do so under impossibly restrictive conditions. Ok we get it, spam is bad. No one wants their newsfeed clogged with thousands of irrelevant adverts, or even relevant advertising, but a thousand times a day. We get it! But I also think many people are taking their loathing of spam too far... Let's say you're a writer with a new book about to come out. You may join writer's forums. And let’s say your book has a heavy rock-climbing theme, so you'll probably also join rock-climbing forums. And in all these forums you'll talk to hundreds of like-minded people who'll be happy to learn all about you… all that is except for the fact that you've written a book! The moment you so much as hint at your achievement, bam the petty police (we all know who they are, every forum has at least one) send you hostile and bitter emails that this forum is not the place for self promotion. Well if you're a writer in a writer's forum, then, one should be surprised if you DIDN'T have a book up your sleeve. As mentioned before (this needs to be repeated, lest some self-righteous petty betty who didn’t read the first paragraph, says something asinine about spam) there is a difference between alerting relevant parties of your new product and bashing them over the head with it in the form of spam. A huge difference! My editor put out a press release in which she explained that thanks to her fabulous editing, my book has found a publisher. Well of course I shared it to all my social media. It appeared on my Facebook wall (once) in relevant Facebook groups (once), on Twitter, Stumbleupon and LinkedIn (all once), among others. For the most part people were receptive and offered congratulations. But then there was the bitter mafia, who accused me of everything, from spamming to even faking the press release. One group member said that my publisher wasn't sufficiently well known for me to claim that I had found a publisher, whilst another said that the press release contained “too much extraneous capitalization,” which made her suspicious. The best was the sour puss who wrote "is this self promotion or are you advertising the services of your editor? If it’s the latter then fine, but if it's the former then it has NO place in this forum!" Then what exactly is this ‘writer's forum’ for, you sad, miserable witch?! By the end of a day that had started upbeat and full of hope, due to the arrival of the press release, I was totally deflated and broken by so much hostility and plain nastiness. I must add that my book exists purely for entertainment purposes. I am not trying to sell anyone on a concept or a product, so I don't see the harm in letting people know that it's out there. So what promotes this apparent aversion to other people's attempts to make something of themselves? Is it envy, the desire to see someone fail, or the fear that someone might succeed? And if that is the case, then don't worry petty police, by the time you're done muzzling and breaking the spirits of people you've never even met before, many I'm sure will have given up hope and abandoned the project. As for me, I'm still fighting the good fight, trying to navigate the increasingly strict rules of social media and the oversensitivity of petty people. Because I may or may not have a have a novel coming out. I'd love to tell you more about it, but can't in case it offends someone. So I'll just say this, the title begins with A. Also I have a website, but you can't have the link because giving someone a link is a major spam crime. So if you want me you can find me on Facebook and LinkedIn, talking about everything and anything, and always diligently avoiding mentioning that I may or may not soon be a published author. Oh, and if another person tells me to join google+, I'll throttle them - I get abused on enough social sites as it is. (PS, in case anyone is wondering, the most vicious petty betties live on LinkedIn, so beware…)  OCD-UK discussion forum is a fraud 11/02/2011
OCD-UK discussion forum may be a fraud Due to the fact that the administrators at OCD-UK have been stingy and not allowed links to any other websites relating to OCD, I must remove myself from this forum. I can no longer support a forum that is clearly interested only in its own popularity and not in the needs of the OCD sufferers, who require as much information as possible, even if that means getting it from multiple sources. To quote OCD-UK, “we don't allow links to external websites as there are so many ill-informed websites out there.” Yes there are, but there is also a wealth of very useful information out there. Isn’t it up to the individual to decide what to read and what to ignore? Or are we living under a communist regime? Keep the masses in the dark! OCD-UK even deleted one post in which I had merely suggested (no links here) that you Google ‘The OCD Circuit,’ claiming that “telling people to Google a certain subject could bring up all sorts of websites which can lead to confusion and people getting bad information.” Again, yes it could, but FIRSTLY it is not up to you to protect us from Google. And SECONDLY it is probably thanks to Google that many of OCD-UK's users found OCD-UK. It's certainly how I found them. Perhaps OCD-UK is providing "bad information" since they too are searchable on Google.... Methinks therefore that this excuse might also be a pathetic ploy to ensure that traffic is never driven away from OCD-UK. It seems that OCD-UK wants their site filled with sufferers, who cry for help, but never get any real answers. Because the more people remain ignorant of the facts, the more likely they are to remain in the forum looking for answers. This is why the moment someone comes along with any helpful ideas, OCD-UK shuts them down and deletes their posts. OCD-UK needs to keep its users in darkness and continually suffering. I recommend that all members leave OCD-UK, and find a more genuine forum. You will find many OCD support groups and discussion forums on the internet. Here are just a few:
 Keep suffering, it's better for our website rankings... Hoarding vs Clutter Phobia, which one is really OCD? Why is the media so fixated on OCD being about hoarding, when hoarding is the opposite of everything that OCD stands for? People with OCD tend to be organized, neat freaks and clean. Hoarders on the other hand are disorganized, messy and a general health and safety hazard. They could not be further from the definition of obsessive compulsive disorder if they tried. Do hoarders even have the obsessions and compulsions that are so integral to OCD, or is their hoarding mindless? Most hoarders will tell you that they don't even know how their hoarding got so out of hand. Is that the meticulous attitude of someone with OCD? I don't think so! It's a mystery how hoarding ever got labeled as OCD. Less than 1% of the population hoards, and 2.5% of the population has OCD. According to the Mayo Clinic, many people who hoard don't have other OCD-related symptoms. Furthermore, according to Dr Staab of the Mayo Clinic, "recent functional brain imaging studies suggest a different pattern of brain activity in patients with hoarding versus other OCD symptoms. All of these data support the separation of hoarding from OCD." Isn’t it time we debunk the hoarding myth and instead give recognition to hoarding’s opposite, Obsessive Compulsive Spartanism, a real and distressing version of OCD that deserves to be recognized?. Obsessive compulsive spartans, really do obsess about their space and their stuff, organizing, counting, arranging, rearranging and purging, constantly feeling cluttered even though they live in minimalistic, Spartan conditions. Obsessive compulsive spartans are so strict about what comes into and what remains in their home, that it causes major distress and/or disruption to daily living. Sadly though, The American Psychiatric Association does not officially recognize obsessive compulsive spartanism as a psychiatric disorder. Even more frustrating is that, in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV, hoarding has been categorized as a symptom of OCD. Thankfully, though, it looks like hoarding will be classified as a separate illness in the DSM V edition, due to be published in 2013. It is very important to note that obsessive compulsive spartanism has NOTHING to do with contamination OCD (cleaning, hand washing etc). And that just like cleaning and checking, obsessive compulsive spartanism can stand alone and cause plenty of distress as is. I would suggest that obsessive compulsive spartanism manifests itself as follows: 1) Need to have minimum things in your home. 2) Need to have specific numbers of everything that you do have in your home. 3) Everything must fit into a category, or you cannot have it at all 4) Everything has a very specific place. The OCDpart is the constant editing: Is this the right shelf for my books, why do I have 6 pairs of shoes, maybe I should have five? A screwdriver doesn't fit into any of my acceptable categories, so I won't have one even if it means constantly bothering the neighbor to borrow theirs. I know I'm about to miss my flight but I can't leave the house until I am happy that my kitchen cabinet doesn't look cluttered. Because this brand of OCD never appears in any of the textbooks, and is never spoken about, it is likely there are many sufferers out there struggling in silence and wishing they had any other more famous OCD symptoms instead, just so they wouldn't feel so weird and alone. Some unfortunate souls probably have no idea they have OCD at all, and that treatment is available, just as it is to other OCD patients. Hoarders have recognition of their suffering, obsessive compulsive spartans do not. Perhaps it is far less interesting or scandalous than hoarding, but it is torture, as only an OCD sufferer can know. Think about it. There's:
Time to come out of some very neat closets… And hoarders, please go away, get out of our space and get your own diagnosis. OCD belongs to the clutter phobes!!  How much more social media can one person handle? How many of you are going to switch to Google+ and abandon Facebook? Stick with Facebook and never in a billion years go on to Google+? Keep a hand in each and use one for writer connections one for personal stuff with your family? Use both for both? And how many of you just hung your heads in horror and said, Why why why why?? FOR GOODNESS SAKES, not another social media site that I HAVE TO contribute to in order to succeed, or else risk disappearing into the great abyss known as failure. I mean really? Doesn’t all the pre-existing social media already suck the life and soul out of your day? Do we really need another added to our endless to do list? I am very unhappy about Google +. I just don’t have time for it, as well as for everything else !!!!!!  We don't need manners, we're New Yorkers 10/17/2011
We don’t need manners, we’re New Yorkers I was raised to write thank you notes, return phone calls, keep appointments and make my friends feel important. Oh and in case you are wondering, I'm not 105 years old, I'm 36 and happen to have not been raised in New York City. I know we're all busy, but for some reason New Yorkers are busier than everyone else, and this seems to be a perfectly acceptable excuse for disrespect and lack of basic manners? I have lived here just one year and other than utter disgust at the behavior of my 'friends' I am seriously baffled as to how anyone actually has friends when they treat one another with such disregard? Last week I invited a total of twelve people to an event and failed to get a definite answer from a single one of them. When I've extended invitations in other worlds in which I’ve lived (San Francisco, London, Geneva), I always received a timely response involving “yes please” or “no thank you.” Simple as that. Those that eventually did bother to acknowledge the invitation, did so the day after the event, and without exception whined that their phones had “died.” I know we love to moan about our service providers, but with the current epidemic of “dying” phones, it’s amazing that any of the phone companies are still in business. When asked if I am free, I look in my diary and provide a yes or no answer. It really is not more complicated than that. That's how I was raised...not in New York. Why is this basic step so hard for New Yorkers to fathom? Having said all of that, even when your New York friends actually do bother to meet you, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be treated with respect. I was attending a dinner party at a friend's home, when her husband rose from the table, grabbed his laptop and moved to the couch, whereupon he ignored his guests and worked for a solid hour. Clearly his work is so important that he doesn't have to adhere to social norms and wait until the guests have actually left. And in case you're wondering, this person was not a doctor who’d interrupted the evening to restart a heart or cure cancer. The crazy thing, though was that no one, neither his wife nor his friends, batted an eyelid. Everyone just went on with their conversations, as though this rude behavior were the most natural thing in the world. Later, when I asked his wife about it, she said ever so casually, “he works for a bank, so it’s OK. Everyone gets it.” Well forgive me for being the party pooper, but I really don’t “get it.” I understand that some people are extremely busy, but if you're too busy to spend time with your friends, then don't invite them to your house for dinner. Everyone deserves a minimum of respect and politeness. What has gone wrong in New York society that we no longer have the right to expect the most basic of common manners? I have lived in several different cities, and never experienced flakiness on this pathological scale. The question is why do New Yorkers think they are exempt from common decency? And why do we let them get away with it?  |  .
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